When someone dies, the first question is usually what to give instead of flowers. Usually that’s because flowers don’t feel like enough, or because you’ve seen a house after a funeral and you don’t want to add to the pile.
There’s no single right answer. But it helps to know what actually happens to the flowers.
What happens to the flowers
They all turn up in the same few days. The family is still organizing the funeral and answering the phone, and every arrangement needs a vase, water, and somewhere to stand. Then they go over within the week, and someone has to throw them out and deal with the vases.
That’s the whole life of them. They arrive in the loudest part of it, they’re gone by the end of the week, and there’s nothing left afterward. Flowers aren’t a bad thing to send. They just don’t stay.
Sometimes flowers are the right call
If the family asked for donations to a charity, that’s the answer. Donate, and leave it there. They told you what they wanted, and going around it to do something more personal makes it about you.
The same goes if they asked for flowers, or asked for nothing at all. Take them at their word. You’re trying to make a hard week slightly easier, and the easiest thing you can do is the thing they already named.
Rosemary is the one that carries remembrance
If you want something that stays, rosemary is the obvious place to start. It’s been carried at funerals for a very long time — it’s the herb for whatever isn’t to be forgotten. A pot of it, with that one word on the card, says what you’re trying to say without making anyone read a paragraph.
Sage carries wisdom and lavender carries devotion, if one of those fits the person better. The Language of Herbs page has where the meanings come from, if you want to read it before you decide. A Little Note can go with it too, if you’d rather put something in your own words.
Retire “let me know if you need anything”
It sounds generous, and it’s meant that way. What it actually does is hand them a job — now they have to work out what they need, decide whether you really meant it, and then ask you for it. Most people never ask.
Say the specific thing instead, and then go and do it.
- “I’m bringing dinner Thursday” — then bring it Thursday. There’s nothing to arrange and nothing to answer.
- “I’ll take the trash out Tuesdays” — dull and small, which is exactly why it helps. It comes off the list without a conversation.
- “I’m at the store — what do you need” — sent while you’re standing in it, so answering takes ten seconds.
- “I can drive you Friday” — there’s usually somewhere they have to be, and someone else at the wheel is one less thing.
You’re not going to find the thing that fixes it, because there isn’t one. Pick what you can actually follow through on — the rosemary, the dinner, the drive, the donation — and then follow through.